Seen this floating around online here lately. Thought it was damn funny. Sadly I have no idea who the original author is.

Dear Melissa,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I would never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you, who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I am tired of pretending that I do not miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it is time we let our hearts speak as loudly as they hurt. And this is what my heart says. " There is no one like you, Melissa." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they are not you. They are not even close! Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Olivia's and brought her home with me. I do not say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depths of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body!! Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that wouldn't quit!!! Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on our couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we have made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well , in this case, yes, but you see what I am getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Melissa? I doubt it. And I have never really thought of that before.

I don't know. Maybe I am just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique of her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me! It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you!! Jesus, Melissa! I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Kim, that single mom we met at the little league field a few years ago? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant until later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few beers and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our bedroom! And this chick is a total monster in the sack! She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or career and whether the kid can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.She puts it on the floor, and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Melissa ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for 8 years and we never used it as a sex toy!"

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Lee is just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she has been a real friend to me during this painful time. She has given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Melissa, she really is! So....we're doing Jello shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry!

And then it turns out that Lee is into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?? It's true, Melissa. In your heart, you must know it. Don't you think we could ever start over? Just wipe all the grievences away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same, please , please, please let me know.

If not, would you let me know where you hid the fucking remote????